If The Presidential Candidates Were MLS Franchises…

To coincide with the start of the 2016 MLS season and the post super-Tuesday increase in hype surrounding the US Presidential election primaries, I decided in this piece to combine the only two things I actually know about the USA and match clubs with candidates. Please find the politically objective results below,,,

Hilary Clinton – LA Galaxy

LA Galaxy have the profile, the global name recognition and  have been an integral member of the US footballing establishment for decades.. Although, as the 2015 season showed, being the most decorated club in MLS doesn’t mean success is guaranteed…

Hilary Galaxy
Hilary before Michigan….

Bernie Sanders – Portland Timbers

Although Oregon & the Timbers have long had a place in the hearts of hipsters, they’ve certainly surprised their own fans and the rest of America with their successes in recent times… Although to emerge victorious in 2016 would be a surprise to even their most die hard fans.

Bernie Portland
The Timbers surprised many with their 2015 MLS Cup victory. #FeelTheBern
Timbers Game or Sanders Rally?  #KeepPortlandWeird

Jeb Bush – New York City FC

They’ve got the money and in the form of the City Group, they find themselves part of a very prominent footballing family… However NYCFC learned the hard way that success is hard to come by whatever connections you may have. For all the money involved in the NYCFC project, returns have been disappointing to say the least…

A more successful older brother looks on unimpressed…

Donald Trump – Miami Beckham United FC

Although the expansion franchise presently have no experience in Major League Soccer, Beckham’s franchise will be determined to use their internationally recongised name/brand to deliver instant success… And one imagines Miami’s large Hispanic community will rally behind Beckham more so than they’ve done for Trump.

I Googled ‘Trump & Beckham’ and this came up… Genuine improvement?

Marco Rubio – DC United

Currently trying their best to represent Washington DC and may well fall short of success in 2016…


Ted Cruz – FC Dallas

Although Dallas have not always been a household name they’re actually not looking too bad a tip for success in 2016 and are among the bookies’ favourites. An experienced outfit operating out of Texas with a strong hsipanic influence (in the form of Castillo, Gruezo and co.) too.

Admittedly could’ve jumped on the Trump bandwagon here and made Cruz one of MLS’ Canadian franchises….

Apparent devil horns a happy accent...
Apparent ‘devil horns’ a happy accident…

Carly Fiorina – Chivas USA

Sorry who? Joined the pack and had minimal impact on the field around them. They failed to compete with the LA Galaxy to win the support of the fan base they shared, and always remained in their rival’s shadow despite their best efforts.  Eventually dropped out of the division to minimal fanfare…

Hates the Galaxy (and Planned Parenthood)
Hates the Galaxy (and Planned Parenthood)

Kind of run out of steam here, apologies if I (like the rest of America) have forgotten about O’Malley, Chafee and the other 41 Republican candidates originally running…

By Tom Drissi  –> @OutsideTheBig5

And thanks to Jake Goodwill –> @JakeGoodwill1


One thought on “If The Presidential Candidates Were MLS Franchises…”

  1. I would add John Kasich as Montreal Impact, you know the quality is there somewhere, but going nowhere this year.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *